Monday Mornings
by PointlessKnife
Summary: When you're a State Alchemist and a target of the Homunculi, one thing you will never have is a normal Monday morning. Too bad Edward Elric learned this lesson the hard way. Warning, completely random.
1. Chapter 1

"What," Roy Mustang sighed. "Is this?" He would like to say that this was a typical Monday morning for him, but of course it wouldn't be. It was only nine in the morning and he could already feel a headache coming.

The Fullmetal Alchemist stood in front of his desk, looking embarrased of all things, and if Roy was going to guess, he'd say that Alphonse was also not in the best of moods.

"Well, what does it look like?" Ed snapped.

"You tell me, Fullmetal." Roy retorted. He honestly had no idea what the horror in front of him could be described as.

"They're the homunculi, Sir." Al said.

"I can see that. Why are they... like that?" He asked, trailing off as he stared at the scene in front of him.

Ed and Al looked uncomfortable as what could only be described as baby homunculi clambered over Al's armour and pulled on Ed's hair.

"Well," Roy hid his smirk behind his glove. "One could say that it's your own fault for having your hair so long."

"Shut up, Bastard!" Ed yelled. Envy, who had been swinging on Ed's braid happily repeated the new word.

"Bastard, Bastard, Bastard!" He chriped happily, probably enjoying the look of rage that was now on the Colonel's face. Now it was Ed's turn to try not to laugh.

"Alright," Roy's eyebrow twitched. He could barely keep his anger out of his voice. "How did this happen?"

Ed scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Well..."

* * *

 _"Hah," Envy laughed as he literally came out of no where. "Did you miss me?"_

 _"Envy?" Ed asked. "Wait, where did you come from?"_

 _"Eh, that doesn't matter." The homunculous shrugged. "Pipsqueak, I can't kill you but-"_

 _"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT YOU DON'T NEED TO FIGHT HIM 'CAUSE YOU CAN TREAD ON HIM?!"_

 _"Brother," Al said, "Don't get mad, he's doing it on purpose."_

 _"Yeah, I know." Ed spat. "No excuse. I'll kill him."_

 _"Will you really now?" Lust stepped out of the shadows, standing beside Envy._

 _"Lust?" Envy asked. "Why are you here? I can handle the runt and the tin man by myself."_

 _"Tin man?" Al whispered, hurt._

 _"You're needed back at HQ." Lust told him._

 _"Lust... I'm hungry, can I eat the big guy?" Gluttony whined, also coming out of the shadows_

 _"Three of them?" Ed screamed. "We have to deal with all three of them?"_

 _"Brother, this doesn't look good." Al said, sounding worried._

 _"Yeah, we might be in trouble." Ed grunted, looking at the three arguing homunculi._

 _"Might be? You'll have to fight all three of us!" Envy crowed, somehow having heard him._

 _"We can't kill them." Lust reminded Envy sharply._

 _"Yeah, yeah." He grumbled. "Fact remains, we still get to fight. I really don't like the short one, he's annoying!"_

 _"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORT?"_

 _"YOU, MIDGET!"_

 _"Really, Envy?"_

 _"Brother, please calm down."_

 _Unfortunately, neither Ed nor Envy paid any attention to Lust and Alphonse._

 _"Lust..." Gluttony complained. "When can I eat them?"_

 _"You can't." Lust snapped. "They're human sacrifices."_

 _"Aww."_

 _Suddenly, a bright light filled the room, making human, armour and homuculous alike cry out. When it finally faded, Ed looked around, trying to pinpoint what caused it or what had changed. The first thing Ed noticed was that Al was alright, so the tugging on his trousers was a suprise to him._

 _"WHAT THE HELL?" He wailed, completely freaking out when he saw a baby Envy clinging to his leg._

 _"Brother? Are you okay?" Al called, still disorientated from the light._

 _"No, this is unnatural." Ed screamed._

 _"Huh, brother, what is this?"_

 _"The homonculi..." Ed's dramatic pause was completely ruined as Envy started climbing up his leg, "have turned into babies."_

 _(Flashback over)_

* * *

"That's all well and good," Roy was barely keeping his temper in check, "but why have you brought them here?"

"Well." Ed was smirking now. "What is it that you're always telling me? Oh yeah, 'Fullmetal, you sometimes need to bring evidence with your reports. It is simply unacceptable.'"

Roy wasn't sure whether to be offended by the expression the boy wore when saying what he did, or the horrible impression of his voice. He did _not_ sound like a five year old on sugar.

"Bringing evidence with your reports... When did I ever say that?" Roy muttered.

"Just now, Sir!" Havoc called from where he had decided to wait outside. Roy wondered if Hawkeye would notice him casually dumping all of his paperwork on his subordinate's desk. She probably would.

"Well, this is the perfect time to finish them off." He tried. Yes, it would be low to kill them when they were like this... But... Who was he kidding? He wasn't sure he would be able to do it. Not again.

"We can't, anyway." Ed said dully. "Their regeneration abilities have tripled."

"How do you know?" He was more than curious now. Especially if Fullmetal's expression was anything to go by.

"Lust managed to get a papercut. It healed before we noticed it happened, but that didn't stop her from screaming." Ed muttered sourly, glaring holes in the floor.

"I see." He smirked. He had a plan. "Well, looks like we'll have to babysit them, then. By we, I mean you. Have fun." He then proceeded to pretend that he couldn't see the brothers over his paperwork.

"Sir, it would be irresponsible for you to leave two young boys caring for three infants." Riza Hawkeye said sternly, stepping into his office, with another stack of paperwork.

"What?" He asked, not believing that this was happening to him.

"You'll take care of one, I'll take the other, and the Elric brothers will care for the one currently clinging to Edward's leg." She nodded, picking up Lust and leaving. Just like that, he was stuck caring for Gluttony.

* * *

Al had excused himself as fast as humanly possible the second they were out of the Colonel's office. Ed couldn't really blame him, considering Envy was starting to sing in his childlike voice. It was incredibly loud and the song was _very_ rude.

"Uh, Envy, shut up." He said quickly, trying to ignore the dirty looks he was getting from passing officers.

"Why?" He questioned with huge eyes full of childlike innocence.

"Because what you were just singing was very rude." He hissed, eye twitching.

"What's rude?" Envy asked sweetly.

Ed cringed at how out of character the homunculous was. "Something not to be repeated in public." He said, for lack of a better explanation and too lazy to come up with one.

"What's public?" After everything, Envy was proving that he could still be evil. All the questions were slowly driving Ed insane. By now they had left the HQ and were aimlessly wondering around the town.

"In front of people. Like me." Ed said quickly.

"People... Am I a person?" That question made Ed turn sharply and look at the homunculous. The child looked so innocent and young that Ed couldn't quite bear to crush his hopes. He could practically hear the older Envy laughing at him as he replied.

"Yes." He managed to say.

"Yay!" The child cheered. Just then, the clock in the town chimed to announce that it was now, indeed twelve o'clock. Just then, Ed remembered something very important about twelve o'clock. Something that would earn him a wrench to the head.

"Oh crap! I'm supposed to meet Winry at the train station." He yelped, running, making a startled Envy clinging to his hair. Sadly, the child soon got over his shock and realised the wonderful new word in his vocabulary.

"Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!" He chanted gleefully, making Ed swear even more.

* * *

Winry had been searching the crowds for several minutes by the time she managed to spot Ed. He looked suspiciously out of breath, but waved to her cheerily none the less. She smiled and rushed over, slipping the wrench back into her pocket. He was here, so he clearly hadn't forgotten.

"Hey Ed!" She chirped.

"Hi. What's wrong? Why are you happy." He joked.

"No reason." She decided to ignore his comment about her being happy. She was always happy, she must've hit him with the wrench too hard last time. Suddenly, she noticed movement by his legs.

A small child was hiding behind him. They had spikey hair that was such a dark green that it seemed black. Then he was wearing a short top and what looked like a skirt. It was weird, really weird. Why did Ed have a child with him?

"Ed?" She asked, tone turning dangerous. She was pleased to see him go pale. Maybe he had seen her reach for her wrench after all.

"It's, uh... Hard to explain." He said quickly.

"Oh please." She scoffed. "You used that excuse last time."

Ed gulped. "Can I explain later?"

Winry paused to think. She _did_ need to book into a hotel. He could explain once she did it.

"So you decided to look after them?" Winry asked. She had calmed down a lot after hearing his story. "That's kind of sweet."

"Yeah, well... It was either that or let them roam free." Ed, for some reason, wasn't looking at her. Winry was about to ask why, but she was interrupted by Envy.

"Hi!" He smiled at her.

"Aww, hi." She smiled back.

"Do you like Ed?" Envy asked, _sounding_ innocent, but a certain alchemist knew better.

"What?" She asked still smiling.

"Do you like Ed?" He repeated, while Ed was getting ready to kill something. Winry didn't notice.

"Yeah, he's my childhood friend. An idiot, but yeah." She shrugged. Envy's evil smirk just looked cute... Well, until he decided to speak again...

"You like Ed... Kiss!"

* * *

Roy sighed. He had tried to get his paperwork done, but the child sitting on his desk wasn't making anything easier. Seriously, he was drooling all over the desk. Roy was going to need another box of tissues if he wanted to keep his desk clean.

"I'm hungry." Gluttony whined.

"There's no food here." Roy muttered, trying to focus. Hawkeye would shoot him again if he didn't get this done. Plus, he really didn't get along well with children. "You'll have to wait for another ten minutes."

He turned back to the sheet he was working on, mentally groaning. At least this one was nearly done... Wait, where was it? Roy panicked. He hadn't imagined that entire sheet had he? No, that couldn't be it.

There was a loud chewing sound, that made Roy look up slowly. Gluttony was eating a sheet. He was... eating the paperwork!

"You know, it probably isn't good for you to eat that." Roy said, still in shock.

"But it tastes so good!" Gluttony managed between gulps.

"Well," Roy began, a plan forming in the back of his mind, "there's plenty of it if you really like it."

"You're the best!" Gluttony cheered, and started grabbing all the papers he could. Roy smirked. What paperwork?

* * *

Riza Hawkeye found the whole 'looking after random children' thing to be no problem. The reason for this was probably that Lust really liked Black Hayaye. She was perfectly happy to play with the dog and let Riza do her paperwork.

Then again, they did talk a little bit. Mostly about simple things like the weather. Riza finished her paper work and turned to smile at Lust. "We should probably go and see how the Colonel is doing."

"Okay." Lust said cheerfully.

They entered the office, to see Mustang smirking and Gluttony laughing.

"Hello Lust!" Gluttony said happily. Riza raised an eyebrow at the empty desk.

"With all due respect Sir, there is no way you completed all that paperwork." She said, reaching for her gun.

"W-what? Of couse I did. It'd be here if I hadn't done it." He smiled winningly. Well, he thought so... Riza, not so much.

"Sir, where did you put the paperwork?" She asked calmly.

"No where! How was Lust?" He asked, desperately changing the subject.

"She behaved well. I wonder how the Elric brothers are doing?" She replied.

"Who knows? They'd better not turn up with even more of these things tomorrow." Poor Roy had no idea what was coming...

* * *

Ling, Lan Fan and Fu had been walking around Centeral, trying to pinpoint the odd presence they felt. A man in a military uniform wearing an eyepatch had been following them, and they had barely avoided him the last time by ducking behind someone in a suit of armour who was picking up stay cats.

Ling rounded a corner only to come face to face with the man. Lan Fan let out a cry of alarm and rushed forwards, but didn't get very far. Suddenly, there was a bright flash of light... The man with the eyepatch was now a child with an eyepatch.

"Lan Fan, did he just turn into a child?" Ling asked flatly, pointing at the kid, who was now crawling towards the swords that had fallen to the ground.

"It appears so, my lord." She said,

"Then," Ling grinned, "he might be immortal!"


	2. Chapter 2

"What do you have to report, Fullmetal?" Roy asked, Gluttony was sleeping on his strangely spotless desk.

"Envy was... A complete and utter nightmare." Ed groaned. He looked tired and his hair was now in a ponytail and looked like it had been pulled on. Envy, who had been standing behind him, suddenly stepped forwards and yelled. "Ed likes Winry! They kissed!"

Roy managed to hide his smirk. "Oh really? And who is this 'Winry', Fullmetal?"

"My automail mechanic." Ed said at the exact same time as Envy squealed.

"His girlfriend!"

"Hmm, as your superior and only friend with a love life, I demand you tell me everything." Roy said with far too much interest.

"Can I eat her?" Gluttony asked. He was ignored.

"Hell no!" Ed yelled. "And the hell we're friends."

"Did I say that?" Roy wondered idly. "I didn't say that."

"Yes you did," Havoc called, "and I take offence to the comment about a love life."

"Good, it was supposed to be offensive." Roy snapped back.

"Any signs of them turning back?" Ed asked, desperately trying to change the subject.

Unfortunately, Roy hadn't seen blackmail material this good before and wasn't about to pass up such an oppertunity.

"None so far, but there are more important matters at hand," Roy cleared his throat, "Envy, who is Winry?"

"The nice blonde girl that Ed likes!" Envy chirped.

"And did they kiss? Oh, Gluttony, I think you can eat Ed's hair." Roy added thoughtfully, causing Ed to scream like a little girl no matter what he claimed later.

While the mini apocolypse that was Ed running away from Gluttony happened in the background, Roy decided that Envy was possibly the best homunculous, other than Gluttony, who ate paperwork.

"Yes!" Envy grinned. "They did!"

"Really?" Roy said, smiling in a way that would send anyone who knew him running for cover. "Would you happen to, I don't know, have any pictures?"

"Yep. I got them on a camera I found lying around." Envy chirped. Again, even as a child, he knew that he probably shouldn't admit that he was stealing to someone in the military. Instead, he happily passed the camera to the Colonel and watched him grin.

"And I thought the homunculi were bad guys," Roy smirked, reaching for the phone and dialing a number, "Hughes? Yes, I need you to come here. Yes, it's an emergency? Do you still have your photo frames? Bring them too."

"Who was that?" Envy asked, blinking innocently.

"Can I eat them?" Gluttony asked, drawing attention to the fact that Ed had somehow convinced Gluttony not to eat him, and the homunculous was now eating something entirely different. In fact, it looked kind of familiar...

"Is that my jacket?" Roy yelled in horror.

"What jacket?" Ed asked innocently.

Roy struggled to remain calm, while Ed tried not to laugh, oblivious to the fact that Envy was clinging to his coat. This was the scene Hughes walked in to. He was carrying a massive pile of frames, and Roy could already tell that not all of them were spare.

"The hell?" Ed asked. It was then that he realised that Roy had somehow managed to print off pictures of him and Winry...

"Gluttony, you can eat him!" Roy yelled in a desperate attempt to keep Ed busy.

"Ed has a girlfriend?" Hughes gasped, staring at the pictures.

"Yes, and it's excellent blackmail. Help me frame these." Roy ordered. Hughes shrugged and made a mental note to question the blonde alchemist later.

"Colonel Bastard, I need a favour." Ed said, just as Hawkeye walked in with Lust.

"Really now, Fullmetal?" Roy was having the best day in a long time. No paperwork and entertainment in the form of the Fullmetal alchemist.

"Shut up." Ed snapped. "I need you to look after Envy. I have to do something tonight."

Roy tried not to laugh. "Does this something involve Winry?"

"None of your buisness." Ed muttered, blushing.

"Why have you gone red?" Envy asked loudly.

Hawkeye cleared her throat. She was holding a stack of papers. Roy went pale. She hadn't...

"Sir, I have reprinted all of the paperwork that went missing this morning." She told him, ignoring the faint whimpering sounds he was making.

"Thank you, Hawkeye." Roy said stiffly, already looking for Gluttony.

Hughes was in the middle of protecting his precious stack of photos from Gluttony. "Yeah, I'm done here, have fun. Bye!" He yelled, racing away with the remainder of his photos.

Ed and Envy had also vanished when Hawkeye arrived, making Roy fear that he had just been roped into something far worse than paperwork.

* * *

"So," Ling stared at the baby with the eyepatch, "are you immortal?"

"I don't think he can understand you, my lord." Lan Fan warned.

"What's immortal?" The child asked curiously.

"When you don't age or die." Lan Fan said gently, which suprised Ling. Who knew she had a soft spot for children?

"Oh." The child paused and seemed to be thinking.

Lan Fan stared at the child. "What's your name?" She asked.

"Wrath." The homunculous said brightly.

Lan Fan smiled. "That's a nice name."

Ling stared. He never knew that Lan Fan was good with children.

"Is something wrong, my lord?" Fu was back with the food Ling had requested.

Ling grabbed a sandwich. "I never knew Lan Fan liked children."

Fu nodded. "Is the child immortal?"

Ling sighed. "We're not sure yet."

"So," Lan Fan must've heard them, "are you immortal, Wrath?"

The child paused to think. "I think so."

"Well," Ling shrugged, "it's a lead."

* * *

"Thanks for agreeing to do this." Ed said quickly, already backing away.

"I didn't agree to this. Go away." Roy was ready to slam the door in Ed's face.

"You didn't argue." Ed beamed, and shoved Envy at him, before running, leaving Roy to yell after him.

Roy sighed, and closed the door. He was now stuck dealing with two of the homunculi, and even if they were babies, they were both still totally evil.

It had turned out that, no, he didn't have enough food for Gluttony. Or himself, after Gluttony was done, and now he also had to feed Envy, because he was willing to bet that Ed just wanted to make his life misery.

"Go sit with Gluttony." Roy groaned, not in the mood to deal with the hyper child.

"No." Envy said stubbornly.

"Please, just go and sit with Gluttony." Roy was begining to wonder if Ed would like paperwork.

"Nope!" Envy grinned, and pulled out a water pistol.

Roy spent the next ten minutes chasing after Envy, getting soaked and ruining his poor house. "Just stay still!" He yelled, only for Envy to use the water pistol again. Roy was wondering if Ed was secretly evil, or if Envy really was just as bad as Ed said he was.

"Finally!" Roy grabbed Envy, thanks to luck being on his side for once. He marched back to where he had left Gluttony, only to find that the homunculous had torn the seat apart and was eating the cushions.

"You know what," Roy groaned, "we're going on a trip."

"Where?" Gluttony and Envy asked at the same time.

"To ruin Fullmetal's date of course."


	3. Chapter 3

Al ran worriedly to Roy's office. He'd been looking after the poor stay cats he found, who were now comfortably curled in his armour. Well, mostly comfortable.

When he arrived, the office was mostly empty, meaning that Roy must've gone home earlier than usual. He sighed. Well, it looked like he now had no clue as to where Ed would be. Maybe he shouldn't have run off after all, but the cats had just looked so sad...

"Oh, Alphonse?" Hawkeye walked into the office, holding a sleeping Lust carefully. "I thought I heard someone in the office."

"Sorry," Al said sheepishly. "was I being loud?"

"No," Riza shook her head. "not really. I'm guessing you're looking for Edward?"

"Yeah," Al sighed, "I have no clue where he is though."

"Well, he was planning on leaving Envy with the Colonel. I think he had something planned." Riza sighed, remembering the young alchemist's escape earlier. Which reminded her of the pile of framed photos that sat in the corner of the office.

"Something planned? Any idea what it was?" Al asked, wondering why he had a feeling of dread.

"I think it involved Winry." Hawkeye told him, suddenly remembering that Al might not know yet.

"Winry? Why?" Al wondered.

"I think you need to see these photos." Riza said, carefully setting Lust on the desk and passing Al one of the many photos.

It was hard to tell what his expression was, as he was a suit of armour. There was a pause, then:

"Hah! I knew that brother liked her!"

Hawkeye smiled, at least he wasn't reacting too badly.

"I can't believe he didn't tell me..." Al sighed.

"I think he was busy, but by all means, he should have told you." Hawkeye said calmly. "Maybe you could find him."

"Yeah," Al nodded. "Thank you Lieutenant."

"You're welcome." She said calmly, looking at the sleeping Lust. "I suppose I should get home as well."

"Goodbye. I'm going to kill brother when I see him... How could he possibly get a girlfriend and not tell me? Actually, come to think of it, how could a girl even like him?" Al muttered, storming off, leaving Hawkeye feeling amused, for some unexplainable reason.

* * *

"This is oddly adorable." Roy muttered. There had been a lot of trial and error in finding where Ed had taken Winry. When they had finally found the right place, Roy's mood had improved a lot. (Mostly for the fact that their search was finally over, the entire thing had been awkward, and after a while, people screaming at you wasn't funny anymore).

Ed and Winry, who he vaguely remembered from his visit to Ed's hometown were both blushing and appeared to be talking quietly. Roy stared. They weren't... Nope, he wasn't seeing things, they were actually holding hands. It was actually quite heartwarming.

Roy blinked back proud tears. One of his subordiantes could actually have a decent date without completely ruining things for more than ten minutets! Then again, why did it have to be Ed? Seriosuly, he was probably the most annoying person he had ever met, and he could actually get a girlfriend.

"Damn it. Now that we're here, I can't actually bring myself to ruin it." Roy sighed. It was just too cute.

"You're a wimp."Envy decided.

"Hey!" He hissed, glaring at the kid.

They were hiding behind a convieniently placed potted plant, and Gluttony was chewing on a leaf, and staring at the food.

"Wimp." Envy jeered quietly.

"Brat." Roy whispered angirly.

"Wimp."

"Brat."

"Wimp."

"Brat."

"Wimp."

"Brat."

"Wim- wait, what are they doing?" Envy was staring at something beyond them.

Roy moved one of the leaves out the way, and stared at the events unfolding in horror. Not only did Ed have a girlfriend, he had a girlfriend who was willing to kiss him. Roy absently covered Gluttony's eyes. He considered trying to cover Envy's eyes, but then he decided that the child was simply too evil to be innocent, and could suffer through the display.

* * *

Al ran through the streets, wondering where on earth Ed could possibly have taken Winry. He was so busy thinking that he hardly noticed that he crashed into someone.

"Sorry!" He apologised hurridly, helping the small girl to her feet.

"It was my fault." She said shyly, taking his hand.

"No, I was in a bit of a hurry to find my brother, so I wasn't looking where I was going."Al admitted sheepishly.

"I could help!" She offered brightly. It was around then that Al noticed the panda on her shoulder.

"You don't have to. Is that a cat?" He asked, staring at the small animal.

"No, it's a panda. She's called Xiao May." The girl said proudly. "I'm May."

"Nice to meet you, I'm Alphonse." He said happily. They started walking, not really looking where they were going.

"Right. Mr Alphonse, I'm sorry if this sounds rude, but do you know anything about immortality?" She asked, not quite meeting his eyes.

"Well," Al paused. Could he trust her? "There is a myth about creatures created by alchemy called homunculi. They're apparently immortal." He settled on telling her part of the truth in not to much detail.

"Oh. Thank you, Mr Alphonse! Do you know where I could find and alchemist?" She was beaming, and the ca- panda on her shoulder was mirroring her actions, which Al privately found rather cute.

"I am an alchemist." He told her proudly.

"Really? Could you teach me some things about it, please?" She asked, with sparkling eyes.

Al really needed to learn how to resist cute things. "Sure, I'd love to teach you some time!"

She squealed. "Yay! Thank you Mr. Alphonse."

Al would've blushed if he wasn't armour. "You don't need to call me 'Mr'."

By chance he looked up, just in time to see a flash of blonde in one of the shops they were passing. He stepped closer, aware that May was behind him. Well, Al knew that Granny Pinako was going to have a heart attack about _this_.

"Is that your brother?" May asked, staring into the shop.

"Yep." Al sighed. "I can't believe that he actually liked Winry and didn't tell me. 'Just his mechanic' yeah right."

"Does he know that there's someone watching him from behind that potted plant?" She asked, making Al jump. He squinted at the potted plant, and sure enough, he could see two sets of eyes and a hand that appeared to be covering someone's eyes.

Okay, one was Envy, part of his hair was sticking out and he was really bad at hiding. Who could the other person be? Oh yeah, Ed was planning on leaving Envy with Roy, which explained an awful lot. Still, the entire scene just spelled disaster.

* * *

"Okay, I've made up my mind, we're ruining it." Roy muttered.

"Good. Wimp." Envy muttered. Roy felt something cold drip onto his head. How had he not noticed that Envy had brought the water pistol with him? Oh god, the water was freezing.

"Stop it." Roy scowled. He hated this brat. No wonder Fullmetal wanted to get rid of him.

"Okay." Envy agreed brightly. Roy didn't allow himself to be relieved, he so knew that something bad was going to happen. He was proven correct almost immdediately as Envy tugged on his hair. Hard.

"Ow!" Roy yelled, and in his attempts to get the child off his head, he managed to knock the potted plant over.

He would never forget the shock on the faces of Ed and Winry. Or the silent promise of a painful death in Ed's eyes.

The other people in the shop didn't have time to react before there was another flash of bright light.

Thirty seconds later, Envy found himself staring at a group of children. Since when were Fullmetal, the girl he cared about and the annoying Colonel guy all babies? Why was there a camera on the floor. Completely ignoring everyone else in the shop, he looked at the photos on the camera... Okay, something was clearly wrong here. There had to be fake, he wasn't a kid. He never smiled. And he certainly had never hung off Ed's braid.

And why were there three babies clinging to his leg?


	4. Chapter 4

After taking a minute to think, Envy decided that he was going to take all of them hostage, so when they turned back, he could torment them. Well, that and he wanted answers.

He snatched up all three of the children and marched off, gesturing for Gluttony to follow them. It took him several seconds to realise that the dark haired one had fallen asleep and was drooling.

"Hey, Gluttony." He snapped, causing the other homunculous to pause in his attempts to eat a lamp post. "Carry this guy, but don't eat him. He's important."

"Okay." Gluttony sighed.

"Look, you can eat as much as you like when we get back to HQ." Envy groaned, but it made Gluttony grin and start walking faster.

Great, now the pipsqueak was hugging his arm and smiling. Envy was already wondering how long this was going to last. There was nothing useful about children. Maybe he'd be allowed to kill them after all.

* * *

Outside, Al had paused in complete shock. May, who was standing behind him was completely confused. What had just happened? It appeared that the plant had fallen over, Winry and Ed had broken apart to stare and the magically collapsing plant. Then there had been a flash of light and then it seemed that the homunculi had turned back to normal. Right, he could deal with that. He could fight the homunculi, and it'd be five on two, if everyone helped. Except something was wrong, because it appeared that Ed, Roy and Winry had turned into children.

By the time he finally processed that Envy had basically kidnapped the three, the homunculi had walked past them and were already disappearing.

With a cry of shock, he raced after them, unaware that May had followed him with a shriek. Al didn't know this, but they were halfway to the homunculi's HQ by the time he caught up.

"What do you think you're doing!" He yelled, making the homunculi.

"Kidnapping your friends. Duh." Envy said flatly.

"Why?" Al yelled, ready to fight.

"To turn them into evil minions." Envy explained the idea that he'd thought of two seconds ago proudly.

"What? You can't do that!" Al screamed, already imagining his brother as a mini Envy. The nightmares...

"Why not?" Envy grinned. It was actually a pretty good idea. It would really annoy Al, so why shouldn't he? Also, evil minions were awesome.

"Brother would never be your minion." Al said with great certainty. He did know Ed best after all.

"Really? But he loves me!" Envy smirked, gesturing to Ed, who was happily hugging Envy's arm. Winry had fallen asleep and looked peaceful, and she wasn't drooling, so Envy was fine with carrying her as well. Roy was snoring.

"That's unnatural. I'm sure once he realises who you are, he's gonna be really mad." Al shuddered.

"Well," Envy shrugged. "One way to find out. See you in a while."

And with that there was some kind of smoke bomb, which Al was fairly sure that neither of them had with them before, but it did allow them to escape.

* * *

When Wrath had come to his senses, there were two children crawling around. Even in their new forms, he recognised them as the group he had been following. Still, they certainly weren't children when he was following them, and he was fairly sure that there was an old man with them, but he wasn't there when he came to his senses.

Still, this whole even was pretty odd, so he decided to take the children to Father, to see if he knew anything about what was going on.

He was nearly at HQ when he saw Envy and Gluttony. They seemed to be arguing with Alphonse and a small girl in pink.

He could faintly here Envy protesting with a 'but he loves me!' and decided that it might be time to help them, if only so he could interogate Envy over his love life. The girl who was wearing a mask had a smoke bomb, for some reason, which was really unsafe but really useful, and as a child, she was hardly about to use them. Now all he had to do was brutally question Envy over his (lack of a) love life.

* * *

Envy sighed. He was now safely back at HQ, and the children were all still asleep. Gluttony had indeed managed not to eat Roy, but had already handed the kid back in order to go and find something to eat. Well, at least he had finally stopped drooling. Seriously, that kid was gross.

He was about to go to Father, when he was slammed into a wall. Wrath glared at him, and for extra effect, appeared to have taken his eyepatch off.

"Who loves you?" He snarled.

Envy paused in the mocking remark he was about to make. "Wait, what?"

"Who is your boyfriend?" Wrath asked again.

"The hell are you on?" Envy yelled. "I don't have a boyfriend!"

"Then who did you claim loves you?" Wrath asked darkly.

"What? Oh that, uh, this kid." Envy pointed to his arm, which Ed was still hugging. "My new evil minion."

"Your what?" Wrath raised an eyebrow.

"Evil minion. It'll be awesome!" Envy laughed.

"Why would you want a human as an evil minion?" Wrath asked. "They're pathetic and weak."

"And fun to mess around with." Envy added cheerfully. "Besides, the minions aren't supposed to be as awesome as their master, duh."

"Fair enough." Wrath shrugged. "If that's the case, evil minions sound cool."

"Exactly. Now we need to convince Father." Envy nodded, metally preparing for a battle. He knew it would be something like this: 'Can I keep them? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?'

Wrath sighed. He was never going to let Envy know that he had just spoken out loud. As they approached the room, he began to feel that something was wrong.

"Father isn't here." Lust sighed. It wasn't the fact that someone who never seemed to move was lacking from the one place that he always seemed to be that alarmed them. Or that the one being more powerful than them could be missing. No, it was the fact that she too was holding a child.

"So," Envy grinned brightly, "does this mean that we all get evil minions?"

* * *

Al sighed. May sighed. There had been absolutely no leads and Al was seriously begining to worry that his brother was going to be brainwashed into being a mini Envy. He really didn't want to imagine Ed with that hair style. He would look like a pineapple. Not to mention that the Colonel and Winry were also there. Al shuddered. What if there was a tribe of Envy's minions?

"We have to save my brother." Al decided. If there was a small army of Envy's followers, the world would end.

"Yeah." May agreed, and Xiao May nodded.

Just then, someone dropped down in front of them, causing Al to stand up suddenly to sheild May and the girl in question pulled out a set of knives.

"Sorry to disturb you, but have you seen a man in an eyepatch and two children?" He asked casually, as if he hadn't just jumped off a building.

May narrowed her eyes. "I know you. You're a bodygaurd of the Yao Clan."

The man stared. "And who are you. Let me guess, one of the Chang clan?"

May glared. "And what if I am?"

"Erm, no offence, but who are you?" Al asked, not really wanting the argument to go on for much longer.

"That doesn't matter. I have to find the young lord and my grandaughter." The old man snapped. "They were taken by somone who claimed to be immortal."

At the mention of the word 'immortal', May perked up, while Al's (metaphorical) heart sank.

"Then they were probably taken by the same group of people." Al sighed.

"Possibly." The old man admitted.

"Then we should team up." Al stated, feeling that this was only slightly better than searching alone. Any second now, he was going to see why...

"Do we have to pretend to tolerate each other?" May complained.

"Yes." Al didn't have the patience to deal with them.

"Fine." She sighed.

* * *

"I see." Lust muttered. "So that's why you want evil minions."

"Yeah." Envy nodded.

"Can we hang the kids from his hair, it'd be funny." Pride called from the corner.

"Yeah, he'd look like a badly decorated christmas tree!"

That was when Roy learned a new word. "Tree!"


	5. Chapter 5

It was quickly becoming apparent that the homunculi had absolutely no idea how to look after children. One incident that proved this was when Winry went crying to Lust.

Lust had been calmly trying to read the paper. It was something that all the homunculi did, so they could laugh at how stupid the humans were. She particuarly enjoyed the paper, as more often or not, a death she caused was reported.

So, she wasn't very happy to have a screaming child run up to her. "What's the matter?" She asked coldly. She was begining to regret agreeing to Envy's idea of minions. The children were just so loud and annoying.

"Ed pulled my hair." She sniffed.

Lust sighed, closing her paper. "It means that he likes you."

Winry stared, tears still brimming in her eyes. "W-what?"

Lust smirked. "It means that Ed secretly likes you, but doesn't know what to do with the feelings, so he pulled your hair."

"Why?" Winry sounded lost.

"Because he's a boy." Lust said like it explained everything. Winry paused.

"Okay." She started smiling, content with the reasoning Lust had used.

"Now you have to break his heart." Lust continued, making Winry freeze.

"What?" She asked.

"Now you know he likes you, you must proceed to brutally reject him and to leave his heart in shreds." Lust said with a smirk. This was fun!

"Why? He's okay when he's not being mean!" Winry protested, blushing. Really? How had they remembered their blossoming love after being turned into children? Lust sighed. Then again, she did like a good romance novel. If it had heartbreak in it.

"Don't worry, it's a good thing to do." She reassured the child. Just then, there was the sound of wailing and she spotted Riza (they'd decided against calling her 'Hawkeye') running towards her.

"Roy pulled my hair!"

* * *

"So you're going to be taking care of all of the girls?" Envy asked. "Why?"

"Because it is becoming clear that I am the only one who can." Lust glared at Envy. "Besides, they all have potential. Unlike the boys." She added coldly.

"Screw you. Are you making this into a contest?" Envy snapped.

"Possibly. Let's see who can get the coolest evil minions." Lust sneered. "I can tell it won't be you or Wrath."

"Hey!" Wrath snapped. Then he paused. "Does this mean you're taking Lan Fan?"

"Yes. I said the girls, or are you deaf?" Lust muttered.

"That's unfair. She's a ninja. It's cool." Wrath scowled.

"She's a ninja?" Lust asked, already thinking of who she could match make the girl with.

"Yes. And she's well behaved and polite. I can take care of her." Wrath hissed, reaching for his sword.

"Well behaved and polite? I'm taking care of her and that's it." Lust decided.

"Fine. I want Ed and Roy." Envy said, turning to glare at Wrath as Lust swept off.

"What, why?" Wrath asked.

"The runt's brother will scream like a girl, and I want to have a war with Lust's team." Envy shrugged. "You can have that weird one."

Pride sighed from his emo corner. "I feel replaced."

* * *

"Why is it so hard to find them? They hardly fit in with a crowd." Fu complained.

"It's been three days." May sighed.

"They must've noticed that the Colonel hasn't turned up by now." Al muttered. "Maybe we should report to Centeral and see if there are any clues there."

"Fine." Fu sighed. He was begining to worry now. Where could they be? While he was fairly sure that the young lord would never stoop so low as to be someone else's minion, he had no clue where they were, and there was no telling what had happened.

So, he stood with May in an uneasy silence as Al lead them to the office of someone called 'Maes Hughes'. They were met by a cheerful man in glasses, who really wanted to show them photos.

"Isn't she cute?" He gushed.

"Erm, Hughes, we need your help." Al said quietly. "Brother, Roy and Winry have been taken by some strange people."

Hughes paused. "Oh yeah. Damn it, I lost the bet."

"What bet?" Al asked, half wanting to know, half terrified.

"Whether Roy finally got his act together and ran off into sunset with Hawkeye. Alright, I'll help you. Want to see these-"

"Sorry Hughes, but I need to find my brother." Al desperately hoped that his excuse would be enough to stop the photos.

"Alright, but then afterwards..." Hughes grinned like an excited child.

Al sorely hoped that finding his brother was worth the torment of the mountain of photos Hughes seemed to hide in his uniform. It probably wasn't.

* * *

"That's actually kind of cool." Envy muttered, staring at Ed's arm. "His automail shrunk too." Ed's hand waved near his face, but Envy wasn't particually bothered. He wasn't that hard to fight when he was normal, so what could he do as a kid? The answer became appartent very quickly. Ed's metal hand suddenly darted forward and grabbed his nose.

"What the heck? Get off, kid." Envy snarled, but it seemed to have no effect on the giggling child. Envy groaned. What was it going to take to get this kid off? He tried pulling at the hand, but that did nothing, and the grip was metal. If he broke the arm, then he would have a fairly useless minion. He wondered about just pulling the kid off and throwing him against the wall. Yeah, that seemed like a good idea. He prepared to grab the brat, but he notice something. The kid was staring at him. Big, round, innocent eyes staring into his soul, looking so golden and curious. Damn, how could he argue with those eyes? He really hated children some times.

"Kid," Envy tried to stay calm. Don't explode at the kid, don't explode at the kid. He could do this, right? "Can you let go of my nose?"

"No!" Ed said cheerfully.

"How about this... I'll teach you something really cool if you let go." Envy offered.

There was a pause as Ed thought about it. "Like what?"

"We can see if you still have your alchemy!" Envy invented wildly. "And if you do, we can mess around with that!"

Ed grinned. Alchemy sounded cool! "Okay!"

Envy poked his nose the second the kid let go. It was probably red. Oh joy.

"Can we practice alchemy now?" Ed asked, jumping up and down in excitement. Envy stared. He was smiling and completely hyper. Should he leave the other kid alone and actually keep his promise?

But Ed just looked so innocent and cheerful. Besides, the other kid would be fine. It wasn't like he could actually do anything that would cause any trouble...

* * *

So, the next two hours were spent having Ed make swords and having fake duels. In the last half hour, with a lot of studying, Ed made a working paintball gun. Envy quickly realised that he had made the right choice in having the crazy genius as his minion. Paintball guns weren't lethal or that painful but they were really annoying, and they made the victim look stupid. Perfect to use on Lust.

So, Envy was in a particually cheerful mood as he walked back to where they had left Roy with Ed. His entire mood crashed down around him when he saw that Roy had somehow found a box of crayons and decorated the walls with his 'artwork'. There were a lot of flames, and several words. It would normally be worrying that Roy knew how to spell them correctly, but in this case, Envy was more annoyed that there were words like 'Palm Tree' and 'Christmas Tree' instead of the swear words. For the last time he wasn't a-

"Tree!"


	6. Chapter 6

Wrath learned very soon why most humans said children were a pain. Pride didn't count, and as cruel as that sounded, it was, in his opinion, completely justified. Come on, knowing that your 'kid' was older than you and could kill you at any minute? That couldn't be parenting?

If _this_ was parenting, he would rather have to pretend to raise ten Prides. Ling, as Wrath learned he was called, had not stopped crying.

"Okay, can you tell me what's wrong?" Wrath asked as gently as he could, which, in a nutshell was snarling in the kid's face. Actually, that might be why he was crying.

"Miss Lan Fan." Ling wailed. "And you're mean!"

Mean... Ouch. Words hurt. Pride had never once called him mean. Probably because he was a homunculous and it was faily obvious. But still, he wasn't _that_ bad, was he?

From the look on Ling's face, that was a yes.

"Okay, if you stop making that noise, I will teach you how to stab things." Wrath snapped, very close to losing his temper.

"S-stab?" Ling asked, blinking back more tears. Wrath wondered what this kid wanted to be when he grew up? A farmer, probably, with how much he cried. Actually, maybe not, some people he knew were scary farmers.

Great, now he couldn't rid himself of the mental image of the kid wearing as straw hat and waving a scythe around. Was there such thing as mental bleach? He sure hoped so.

"Stab? When?" Ling asked impatiently, pulling on Wrath's trousers.

Wrath stared downwards. Now the kid wanted to kill things? Talk about mood swings... Then again, stabbing things. This kid understood his (metaphorical) _soul_ (s).

"Okay, so the first thing you want to do is to hold your sword like this... NO DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH!"

* * *

Envy realised very quickly that he had been very wrong in underestimating Roy Mustang. His ignition gloves, much like Ed's arm had shrunk, but hadn't lost their abilities. Like everything else involving children, he learnt this the hard way.

He had just finished teaching the children how to spell several rude words, and was in a great mood, when Roy had turned to him with this really creepy smile and clicked his fingers. Well, it turned out that their abilities of regeneration _didn't_ extend to burnt eyebrows. So, he had to disguise himself a new pair of eyebrows every single time. And Roy really liked clicking his fingers. Only at Envy thought. Ed somehow got away completely burn free, which Envy found totally unfair.

Instead, it appeared that Ed and Roy were part of some evil team that would gang up on him. But no matter what Pride will claim later, Envy didn't end up crying in a corner. No, instead, he sent Roy over to Lust with a batch of cookies. Just as he (and Ed) had planned, Lust didn't have the ability to regrow her eyebrows, and had to deal with it by hiding it with make up. Except, that melted and didn't fare much better. Still, Lust had her revenge, and the next time Roy tuned up, it was Riza who was sent to meet him.

"Hi!" Roy turned red, and Envy (who was definately not hiding in a bush nearby (and ignoring how fake it was, as there weren't any natural bushes in their HQ))

"Go away." Riza said flatly, making Roy's face fall.

"You're mean." Roy stated.

"That's mean." Riza glared at him. Roy, apparently now used to this glared back.

"You're not nice."

"State the obvious."

"What does obvious mean?"

"That you're an idiot."

"No it doesn't. It means that you're... erm..."

"See," Riza raised an eyebrow, "an idiot."

"Mean." Roy complained. Envy was fuming, and hating to see his team lose, sent Ed for back-up.

"Obvious means it's really clear, like how you know easy words." Ed announced.

Lust, was also watching, from her side of the HQ, and sent Winry. Envy was holding his breath. He really should have thought this through. If they were defeated now, Lust was never going to let him live it down! Never!

Still, Ed just smiled when Winry turned up, and she clearly wasn't nearly as good as hiding her emotions as Riza, (that or Lust was teaching them very strange things about romance) and looked away, trying not to smile back.

"Winry." He said happily. She finally broke and turned to smile at him.

"See," Roy said pointedly, "they can be nice."

Riza glared, grabbed Winry and stalked back to an annoyed Lust. Roy, Ed and Envy were left in hysterics. Well, until Pride found them still laughing with a camera.

* * *

"I think this has to be the one place we haven't checked..." Hughes sighed, signalling into a dark, creepy allyway.

"Whatever, let's get this over and done with." Fu sighed. He was fed up. Three days of fruitless searching and it was beyond boring.

"It could be their base, I mean it's creepy enough." May muttered.

"True. It's also the exact place that you'd expect people with no life like them to hang around." Al agreed. He was begining to worry about what Envy had done to his brother now. It had been several days, and Envy wasn't nice. Actually, none of the homunculi were. For all they knew, they could've turned the poor children into slaves.

"Hey, look, an awfully convenient secret enterance!" May gasped, pointing at a gate.

"Well, this isn't like the horror movies at all. Let's go!" Hughes said brightly. Everyone sighed. Still, they managed to get through the tunnels, and sure enough, there was a big, hand painted banner that proclaimed that it was indeed the HQ of the homunculi, and yes, it was very evil.

"What should we do?" May whispered.

"I'll go in and show them my adorable pictures, and they'll be so absorbed in how cute they are, you can sneak in and grab the others!" Hughes explained egarly.

"And then we can use their suprise to our advantage and attack when that fails." Fu continued. The others nodded, ignoring Hughes' depressing aura.

So, that was how the homunculi found their door being kicked open, one completely random afternoon.

"Hey!" Hughes yelled, which was rather brave of him considering that there were several beings with the power to kill him there and then. (Pride nearly did, he'd almost had a (metaphorical, he doesn't have one) heart attack, well... That and he was bored). Envy and Lust heard the door, and left the kids in the hands of Pride and Wrath (bad idea) before running to see what the threat was. And probably to kill it, because they hadn't done anything like that in a while. Al and the others began to sneak towards where the homunculi came from. The others had to be there, right? And they couldn't kill Hughes, because May had opted to stay behind with some throwing knives. Al had very quickly found out that May had _very_ good aim.

"Look at these cute pictures!" He beamed at them, secretly hoping that they were in a good mood.

"Are you a cold caller?" Envy asked, staring at him.

"No," Hughes said seriously. "I'm your new neighbour. I moved in yesterday and was just saying hi."

"You didn't say 'hi', though." Lust pointed out. "You said 'hey', then 'look at these cute pictures'. And no, those pictures aren't cute. We know kids who are cuter."

Envy nodded. "And you're annoying." He stared at Hughes and noticed the pile of photos behind him. "Hey, I have an idea."

Lust started looking around for flying pigs. If Envy could think, that meant he actually had a brain... Unless the world was actually ending, then it had to be a horrible idea.

"Evil minions to me!" Envy yelled, making almost everyone with hearing shudder and cover their ears. So, it was perfectly understandable that the group in charge of finding their friends were completely useless and failed to stop all of the blurs that were running towards Envy. Yes, they stopped almost every other child, but not Roy.

"Burn the photos!" Envy laughed, and Lust slowly edged away, fearing for her eyebrows. There was a clicking noise, a very breif fire and then...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


	7. Chapter 7

Hughes was screaming, Envy was laughing, Lust was bored and Roy was staring. That is the scene Pride was met with when he rushed over to see what horrors had been inflicted on the humans. In fact, it had been so long since he had done anything remotely fun, that he failed to notice some of said humans holding the children he was supposed to be guarding. See? Wasn't he great at being a guard?

"H-how could you do that?" Hughes sobbed.

"Yeah Roy," Envy echoed mockingly, "how could you?"

Roy, being almost completely oblivious blinked. "Like this." He told them, demonstrating be clicking his fingers.

Envy took a second to repair his eyebrows, before laughing at the soot covered faces of Lust and Hughes. "That was brilliant!" Envy snorted, patting Roy on the head proudly.

"Was it?" Roy asked, staring at Hughes as the man started trying to clean his face.

"Yes." Envy nodded.

"Wait, is that _Roy_?" Hughes spluttered, staring at the boy. Roy flinched and moved to hide behing Envy.

"The strange man knows my name!" He whimpered.

Envy looked down at Roy. "Don't worry, the strange man is powerless without his photos. You're safe."

"Oh really?" Hughes smirked, suddenly seeming very evil. "What about my back up photos?"

"Roy, the gloves!" Envy wailed. Lust decided she had seen enough of the drama, and only then realised that Pride was watching with the camera he hadn't let go of for days.

"Pride? What are you doing here? Weren't you supposed to be watching the kids?" She snarled.

"Erm... No?" Pride started edging away from Lust, suddenly fearing for his (lack of a) life. Lust could be seriously scary when she wanted to be.

"I swear your age has gone to your head." She snapped, turning sharply. Her hair hit poor Pride in the head. Maybe that was why she had her hair so long, so she could secretly kill people with it!

* * *

Somewhere, far, far away, Olivier Mira Armstrong sneezed. She knew someone out there was talking about her and considered several ways to kill them. Slowly. Normally, she wouldn't be _this_ angry, but the past week had been absolute chaos. They had been investigating these weird noises, only to discover a baby wailing in the dark.

Normally, it wouldn't be her problem, but one of her men was stupid enough to drop him. Bad luck would have it over a bunch of sharp rocks. Normally what would have been a horrible experience turned out to be completely harmless as the kid turned out to posess unnatural regeneration abilities.

So, they had decided to keep an eye on it, to see if anything else was going to happen. Somehow, every other person was busy, or just didn't have the room to look after a child, so the duty fell to her.

That was right, the cold, Ice Queen of Briggs was looking after a kid. She absolutely hated it. All it did was sleep, drool and occasionally sleep talk about being tired.

She was also fairly certain that her reputation was crashing down around her. Come on, was it that unimaginable that she could look after a kid? She wasn't _that_ bad, was she? Well, apparently not, as the child hadn't started screaming yet. She turned to look at the child who was sleeping peacefully in the corner. At least he was happy.

She jolted back to reality the second someone knocked on her door. "Enter." She said sharply.

Miles walked in nervously. Apparently her tone had been that scary. "General. I was wondering if you needed anything."

"No. Your concern is flattering, however." She said, making an effort not to sound too murderous. Miles was about to respond, when the child woke up with a loud yawn. Olivier looked over again.

Four seconds passed, this was the longest he had ever been awake. Both soldiers stared as the kid slowly sat up and looked around curiously.

Then fell backwards with a groan, closed his eyes and started snoring.

"I hate children." Olivier muttered.

* * *

"Brother? I'm so glad I found you!" Al cried, hugging Ed.

"You're big. Not fair." Ed complained. Al nearly collapsed from sheer relief. At least Ed was still Ed. Wait... The homunculi hadn't remembered anything, so what about the others?

"Do you know my name?" Al asked, making the child stare at him. Ed seemed to think about it.

"Idiot." He said brightly. Al wondered if he could drop Ed and make it look like an accident.

"Clearly not." Al sighed.

"No," Ed shook his head, "I do know your name. It's Idiot. "

"Is that your brother?" Fu asked.

"He's normally not like this." Al said quickly.

"I would hope so." The old man said dryly.

"Stranger danger!" The childish voice of Winry screamed.

"Don't worry, I have a gun." Riza reassured her.

"And I have some knives," a girl with black hair Al hadn't seen before smirked smugly. Fu stared.

"Lan Fan?" He asked. Al froze at his suprise. Wait, so they had been taken by the homunculi. Did that mean that there was a homunculi with an eyepatch? Slowly, he looked up to see King Bradley slowly edging away.

"You're a homunculus?" Al gasped, staring at Wrath accusingly.

Wrath panicked and quickly tried to think of a believable lie. "I'm always getting mistaken for my twin brother." He blurted, hoping against all odds that Al somehow believed him.

"Brother? But Bradley doesn't have a brother and you're wearing a military uniform." Al pointed out.

"Look, a distraction!" Wrath yelled, making Al turn to stare at Fu and Lan Fan, while Wrath casually ran as far away as possible.

"I'm glad to see that you're safe. Do you know where the Young Lord is?" Fu asked her anxiously.

"Who are you?" Lan Fan muttered, edging away. "And who is this 'young lord' guy?"

"Yeah, I don't think they remember anything." Al muttered.

"I swear, this is the last time Pride will ever be left on guard duty!" Lust snarled, making everyone stare at her.

"Hi Lust!" Winry called happily, breaking the tense silence.

"Hello." She smiled at the girls briefly, before turning to direct an icy glare at Al and Fu. "It seems we have intruders."

"Can I point something out," Al began, voice eerily calm, "but you're allowing children to be handling weapons. Your parenting skills are _horrible._ "

Lust snarled, and suddenly looked like she had a very bad idea. She really had been hanging around Envy for too long...

"Well, really, it could've been worse, I mean we could've fed them Philosopher's stones." She said coldly.

"What did I miss?" Ling asked, stumbling in with a cut on his face.

"Young Lord, what happened to your face?" Fu yelled, face betraying his horror.

"I cut it, duh. Wait, what did you just call me?" Ling asked curiously.

"What? How? Wait, you don't remember that you're a prince of Xing, do you?" Fu sighed, face palming.

"No way, he's actually a Prince?" Ed wailed. "Now his ego is gonna get so big, and we're all gonna die!"

"For once I agree with you!" Riza cried.

"What, I'm not _that_ bad." Ling argued.

"Yes, you are!" Every present child screamed.

"Do I even want to know?" Al asked, staring at his brother.

"No." Ed shook his head quickly. Al suddenly felt really bad for his brother.

Fu shook his head. "I doubt that you're actually as bad as they say."

"Well, you'd have to ask Wrath..." Lust sighed.

"Can we just skip to the part when we beat you and take the kids home?" Al asked, already bored.

"That depends, are we allowed to use our awesome evil minions?" Lust asked, thinking about it.

"No!" Al exploded.

"Then I'd rather just keep monologing." She shrugged.

It was around then that May came running into the room, crying her eyes out. "I'm sorry," she wailed, "I failed you, Alphonse... I couldn't protect Mr. Hughes' eyebrows!"


	8. Chapter 8

"Of course you couldn't save his eyeberows," Envy laughed, walking in behind May, "no one can stand up to my epic evil minions!"

"Hey," Ed complained, "I'm more epic than he is."

"You haven't done anything. You physically can't be more epic." Roy argued from where he stood behind Envy.

"Oh yeah, watch?" Ed clapped his hands to transmute, and everyone froze. He could still use alchemy?

May screamed in horror, as did Xiao May as she looked down and discovered her clothes had been transmuted into a tutu... Actually, eveyone exept Al's armour, Envy's and Winry's clothes had been changed.

"At least brother hasn't changed a bit. Except for sparing Envy." Al sighed.

Lust stared. "Envy, I can't believe you. You have the worst ideas."

"That wasn't me." Envy was still recovering from laughing, as he had laughed so much, his Philosopher's stone had needed to restore his lungs. See, the children were evil, they literally killed him.

"Your moronic ideas are clearly contagious." She sniffed, "and now those poor children are beyond help!"

"Like my eyebrows!" Hughes wailed, running in crying.

"Roy, you missed a bit..." Ed whined.

"Did I... Oops, I can't end up like you and only do half a job, can I?" Roy sneered, clicking his fingers, making Hughes yelp as the last of his eyebrows were completely destroyed.

Envy and Al sighed, knowing full well what was coming.

"The hell Roy, I do the job better than you!" Ed screamed.

"No, you don't, you don't even start the job!" Roy yelled back.

"I'm just done before you've even begun!" Ed snapped, ready to change Roy's tutu (which he still hadn't noticed) into something even more humiliating.

"Yeah, you're so lazy, Roy! You're worse than Ling." Riza simply couldn't pass up the oppertunity to insult Roy...

"Hey, I'm no where near as bad as Roy!" Ling cried, fed up with being insulted.

"Well, not quite as bad, but Roy is the worst, so it's not saying much. I mean, he can't even get a girlfriend." Hughes said quickly, wanting to avenge his poor eyebrows.

"Shut up, old man. You're just a creep with a load of photos!" Roy bellowed, sick of having nealy everyone gang up on him.

Sadly, Hughes' brain only heard the word 'photos' and his face brightened. "If you wanted to see my photos, all you had to do was ask!" He then proceeded to take of one of his boots, turn it upside down, and a neatly stacked pile of photos fell out...

"I don't know what's worse," Envy gagged, "the fact he has more photos or the smell of his feet!"

"His feet, as it's going to take longer to fix." Lust groaned, a hand guarding her nose.

Ed and May had whimpered and hid behind Al's armour, while Roy ran for cover. Winry wailed and ran after Ed, and Lan Fan and Ling were grabbed by Fu, who was also running for cover.

Lust stumbled over to Riza, the only one unfazed (she'd had to deal with Havoc's socks before, this was nothing) and handed her a grenade.

Riza calmly threw the grenade at the pile of photos, and Hughes screamed and ran away. In a rather colourful explosion occured. When the smoke finally cleared, Al was the first to find his voice.

"See, horrible parenting skills right there!"

"Like you could do better. It was a necessary evil." Lust sneered, suddenly rather defensive.

"Yeah, Lust is awesome!" Winry, Riza and Lan Fan piped up.

"You're kids. You don't know what you're saying!" Al told them sternly.

"Why does that sound familiar?" Roy wondered.

* * *

(Flashback)

"Erm, Roy, why are you playing with matches?" Al asked timidly. It was a boring afternoon in the office and Roy had stolen Havoc's match box (his lighter had broken, thanks to a certain alchemist... Well, it was his own fault for calling Roy a wet match...) and was playing around with the matches.

"'Cause he's stupid, that's why." Ed muttered darkly.

"Oh, sorry Alphonse, I didn't realise your brother was here. I couldn't see him over my paperwork..." Roy said calmly, still fiddling with the matches.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE'D BE KILLED BY A PAPERCLIP, YOU SMUG BASTARD?" Ed howled, ready to defend his broken pride...

"Careful, that match nearly set your paperwork on fire." Al warned.

"Oh dear. That'd be a shame." Roy said flatly, not even looking slightly sorry or worried.

"Yeah, Sir, have you seen my matches?" Havoc called from the other room.

"No, Havoc, and I hope you're working." Roy called back.

"You're both a hypocrite and a liar." Ed scowled.

"Well done, did you figure that out by yourself?" Roy lit another match.

"Colonel, you know Hawkeye will kill you if you actually... set... your... paperwork on fire..." Al trailed off as one of the pages started to smoulder.

"And print off double..." Ed smirked, already thinking of some horrific revenge he could inflict on Roy.

"SHUT UP, YOU'RE KIDS! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!" Roy wept, dropping the match and 'accidently' setting all of his paperwork on fire...

(Flashback over)

* * *

"I just had an odd daydream..." Roy mumbled, staring at his hands. He had even had the same gloves... Creepy.

"What, did Riza actually apologize to you?" Ed muttered from where he had emerged from behind Al.

"No, I was an adult, with paperwork." Roy said, making Ed fall over laughing. He decided to take a leaf out of the imaginary him's book. "And I was still taller than you!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL YOU COULD STEP ON HIM?" Ed screamed.

"You, duh." Roy smirked.

"Calm down?" Al told them, but it sounded more like a question.

"Keep going!" Yelled Envy.

"I'm begining to see why your parenting skills are in serious doubt." May muttered.

"Did you say something?" Envy snarled.

"Nope!" May said quickly, edging away. She looked down as she felt a tug on her sleeve. She looked down and was surpised to see Lan Fan staring at her.

"Your panda is cute. Can I hold her, please?" She begged.

May's first thought was to refuse. This girl was a servant of the Yao clan. This girl was an enemy. This girl... Was staring at her with round, innocent, pleading eyes...

May looked at Xiao May, who slowly nodded. "Okay." She sighed, watching carefully as Lan Fan squealed quietly and gently hugged Xiao May.

"See? Why can't the others enjoy touching moments like these instead of watching violence?" Lust sighed from far away.

"Hey Lust," Pride began from right behind her, making her jump, "I just recorded that."

"No," She paled. "You didn't."

"Oh yes I did." He smirked.

"Oh, well..." Lust faltered as she looked for a witty remark to make. After a couple of seconds and nothing magical came, she went with the old fashioned, "no one cares."

Pride glared. "Of course everyone will care. LUST JUST SAID SOMETHING TOTALLY EMBARRASING!" He yelled, waiting for everyone to turn and stare.

He was completely ignored.

"YOU'RE A MASSIVE ******* BASTARD!"

"Brother! Who taught you that?" Al gasped.

"I did." Envy said proudly.

"OH YEAH, THAT'S RICH COMING FROM YOU, YOU ******** RUNT!"

"Your parenting skills are awful."

"Thank you."

"Fight! Fight! Fight!"

"Oh, hi Wrath."

"Well," Pride trailed off, "Sloth will care. He may be sleepy, but he has a sense of humour!"

"Yeah, good luck with that!" Ling called after him as Pride raced away.


	9. Chapter 9

Olivier Armstrong was silently swearing that she would kill anyone who would dare enter her room at the moment. See, she had maybe taken the baby out of it's makeshift bed because it was crying, and that was what the books said to do... Not that she was reading books on childcare, of course.

Anyway, it had worked way too well, and after one look at her smiling face (she'd deny it later), the child had calmed down, made a happy little sighing sound and fallen asleep, clinging to her sleeve.

Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, but this kid had a scarily tight grip and so she was stuck hugging it. Well, as she'd had Miles confirm, the child was male.

The unnamed boy made a soft snoring noise, and Olivier stared at him, allowing her glare to soften a bit. Well, no one had to know she had a soft spot for children. It wasn't like this child had grown on her at all, definately not!

There was a loud crash as part of her wall was blown open, and a small figure cloaked in shadows stepped forwards.

Olivier clutched the child close to her and drew her sword, ready to kill the monster so it wouldn't hurt the child... She meant, ready to kill the monsters to avenge her wall!

"What? Oh great, it happened to Sloth too..." The new arrival whined, turning out to be a child himself. Except, it's eyes were glowing red.

"I'll have to take him back to HQ." Pride muttered.

"Excuse me?" Olivier snarled, glaring at him and tightening her hold on the child, who was apparently called Sloth.

"Oh, hi. I'm taking it that you're an idiot and you're going to willingly give me Sloth back!" Pride said happily, one of his shadows waving at her.

Olivier smiled back, but it was more like the expression a wolf would have before brutally tearing something apart. "Oh, I wouldn't know about that. But you see, I am in a rather bad mood, and I have a perfectly good reason to kill you. Stay still, this will only kill you slowly."

Pride rolled his eyes. "No. In fact, I think I will steal Sloth and run very fast instead."

Olivier let out a cry of rage as Pride grabbed Sloth, holding the child in his shadows as he began to run for his life.

* * *

"So, is anyone else hungry?" Hughes asked after all the fighting had finally died down, which had taken a looooooooooooooooooooooong time.

"Yes." Ling, Roy, Ed, Wrath and Lan Fan chorused.

"No..." Al said sadly. May patted his shoulder in sympathy.

"No, I have to watch my figure." Lust said simply.

"Then how about we order pizza. It seems like the sort of unhealty thing that you kids would want. Hah, even my precious little girl likes pizza!" Hughes gushed, reacing for his phone. Envy glared.

"I think we should feed them Philosopher's stones!" Envy said brightly, causing Lust and (metaphorically) Al to turn pale.

"We're doomed. His stupidity really is contagious!" Lust sobbed. "Call a quarentine!"

Al was shaking violently. "Save the women and children?"

"What?" Envy asked, clearly annoyed. "It's an awesome idea!"

"I think we're cursed." Fu, who had also been there at the point Lust had mentioned feeding the kids Philosopher's stones.

"What's a Philosopher's stone? It sounds tasty." Ling asked cheerfully.

"And you didn't give him to Gluttony." Lust said dryly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Wrath said darkly.

"That you're stupid!" Ed piped up, causing the one-eyed homunculi to glare at him.

"Shut up, you little brat!" He growled. Al face palmed, and Envy covered his ears.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO LITTLE HE NEEDS A STEPLADDER TO BE HEARD!?" Ed screamed.

"Clearly you." Roy muttered, but he thankfully wasn't heard.

* * *

"P-pizza delivery!" A terrifed pizza delivery guy stuttered as he leaned as far away from the door of the Homunculi's HQ as he possibly could. It was completely understandable, considering he had throwing knives (thanks to Hughes), grenades (thanks to Lan Fan and Fu), a wooden sword (thanks to Ling), two very real swords (thanks to Wrath), an automail blade (thanks to Ed), fire (thanks to Roy), unnaturally long nails (thanks to Lust), a wrench (thanks to Winry), a panda and some more knives (thanks to May and Xiao May), a massive suit of armour (thanks to Al) and a bazooka (thanks to Envy) aimed at him.

See, it wasn't their fault that they completely forgot that they ordered pizza (or that Envy was in possession of lethal weaponry. He had quite a collection). The pizza guy took so long to turn up, they slowly forgot in the favour of watching movies... Of course, Envy's collection of movies was too violent for the children, Lust's collection was too mature for the children and no one other than Ling was even interested in documentaries on politics.

In the end, May was sent to the nearest shop to get a decent movie. Which is how they ended up all watching the Hunger Games.

Halfway through, Lust was interrupted by a tugging on her sleeve. She looked down to see Winry staring at her with pleading eyes.

"Can you teach me how to use a bow and arrow, please?" She begged quietly.

"Sure, why?" Lust, suprisingly enough did indeed know how to use a bow and arrow. They were the only thing that humans, well, and homunculi had before guns. The one time she had been stupid enough to mention this to Envy...

* * *

(Flashback:)

"You were alive when they still used bows and arrows? Hah, you really are old!" Envy cackled as he jumped over her ultimate spear.

"Shut up! It's rude to insult a lady's age!" She snarled, ready to slice his head off as many times as it would take for him to shut up.

"I almost forgot you were a lady! Being so old that you're probably someone's grandmother!" Envy laughed, pausing to heal his now impaled arm.

"Shut up! A homunculus can't even have children you knows. Besides, as if I would fall in love with a pathetic human!" Lust defended quickly.

Envy raised an eyebrow, still giggling. "But plenty of men still love you! The poor fools probably don't know what you're hiding underneath your make up!"

Lust finally succeeded in hitting Envy between the eyes, but the scratch was only shallow, and it didn't shut him up.

"Deep down, I bet you look the same as your dinosaur relatives!" He crowed, dodging every single one of her swipes.

"Are you calling youself a dinosaur?" Lust challenged.

"Have you seen my true form? Of course, your brain cells were probably replaced after the fifth time you died of old age." Envy was now backing away quickly, seeing how red Lust was going.

"Like you're any better!" She snapped, looking for any way to insult him.

"I'm sorry, I thought you were a lady." Envy sneered. "Age doesn't exactly agree with you, does it?"

Lust struggled to remain calm, wanting to catch Envy by suprise.

"I've heard that wisdom comes with age, but that clearly isn't true here." Envy patted her shoulder in fake sympathy, then looked at her face and winced. "That make up, for example."

"Oh yes," her voice was dripping with sarcasm. "because you'd know so much about make up, being a girl and all."

Envy snarled, then smirked. "You'd be able to tell me how the history of make up has changed through the ages, wouldn't you?"

Lust swore that one day, she would have her revenge...

(Flashback over)

* * *

"I wana be like Katniss!" Winry exclaimed.

"If you shoot Envy, I'll definately teach you. I'll even see if we can get some explosive arrows." Lust smiled, ruffling Winry's hair.

"Wait, is that Havoc?" Hughes yelped, staring at the pizza delivery guy.

"Oh, hi Hughes." Havoc said sheepishly.

"Why are you in a pizza delivery uniform?" Al asked. Havoc hung his head in shame.

"It's a long story." He sighed.

"Does it involve running away from one of your girlfriends?" Roy asked from where he was hidden behind Envy. Havoc was too depressed to notice who was speaking.

"Yes." He sighed. Every single being, homunculus and human alike dropped their weapons and face palmed. Typical Havoc.


	10. Chapter 10

"And that is how I ended up pretending to work at a pizza place!" Havoc finished dramatically, only to find several people staring at him with a disgusted look on their faces.

"You're a bit of a dick, aren't you?" Roy muttered.

"For once I agree, who _does_ that?" Ed snapped.

"True, his actions were... Really gross." Riza sniffed.

"Hey!" Havoc yelped indignantly. Then he paused and stared at the three people who insulted him.

"Wait, are they who I think they are?" He asked Al, pointing at three very unimpressed children.

"Yeah..." Al sighed, edging away from Havoc. He had been way too grossed out by the story Havoc just told.

"He's not very bright, even for a human. Are you sure you want to date him?" Envy asked Lust, who turned bright red.

"I never even said I wanted to date him!" She snarled.

"Well, unless he likes dinosaurs..." Envy trailed off teasingly.

"Dinosaurs are cool." Havoc commented, having heard exactly one word of that entire conversation. This was all that was needed for Envy to collapse into hysterical laughter and Lust to call Winry over.

"Want to start those archery lessons?" She smiled, making Winry skip over happily.

* * *

"So, are you really Roy?" Havoc asked, kneeling down to stare at the kid that totally resembled his commanding officer.

"Why do all the strange people know my name?" He wailed.

Ed laughed. "Because you're strange yourself!"

"No," Roy looked like he was about to cry, "I swear I've never seen them before, and they all know me! It's really creepy!"

"That's rude. I'm not weird." Havoc complained.

"Yes you are! You smell like smoke and I haven't even burned your eyebrows yet!" Roy yelled, and his choice of words caused Ed to back away and Havoc to look at Roy weirdly.

"Wait, what do you mean 'yet'?" Havoc asked, tilting his head.

"Told you he was slow!" Envy yelled. A second later an arrow came out of no where and hit him in the head.

"Well done Winry!" Lust praised. "Right on target!"

"I actually hit him?" Winry gasped, staring as Envy tried to pull the arrow out of his forehead.

Envy growled and settled for watching Roy burn of Havoc's eyebrows. Havoc stared, felt around his face then ran off to join Hughes in the emo corner.

* * *

There was a loud rumbling noise and all of a sudden the wall exploded.

"Save me!" Pride screamed in a very high-pitched voice. He was holding a baby close to his stomach and was being chased by someone with blonde hair and glowing red eyes.

"Wow, are you sure Pride is the homunculus there?" Wrath muttered.

"I think we'll have to disown him for screaming like that." Envy sighed.

"Hey!" Pride screamed, still running from the woman, who had a very bloody sword. "A bit of help here?"

"It's one human, Pride. You are more than capable of dealing with her." Lust sighed, without looking up from helping Winry adjust her aim so the bow pointed at Envy.

"She most definately isn't normal! She chased me all the way from Briggs! Eeek!" Pride shrieked, as her sword nearly got past his shadows.

"Hah! The great and powerful Pride reduced to being chased by a girl! Hah, who would've thought he was really so weak?" Envy snorted, earning himself another arrow to the face for his comment about girls being weak.

"All the way from Briggs! Without stopping!" Pride screamed again.

"I admire her resolve." Wrath said sagely, not even moving to help.

"She uses a sword Wrath! A sword! She might be a good opponent!" Pride bribed, ducking underneath the sword.

"But this is too funny..." Wrath whined, watching the scene with a huge smile on his face.

"Erm," Al interrupted timidly, "isn't he supposed to be your son?"

Wrath stared. "Did I forget to mention that he's the oldest homunculus and my boss?"

"Seriously?" Al muttered. "Is there a written law that all homunculi have to be terrible parents?"

"Hm, I think anyone would be a better Pride than him." Envy sighed, looking away from the chase to stare at all the children.

Al froze as the homunculus stared at Ed. "Oh no, that's just to weird to even think about." He hissed at Envy.

"What? Ed would make a great Pride!" Envy argued.

"No, he really wouldn't!" Al yelled.

"No, he'd be awesome at it. Way better than the Pride we have right now!" Envy exclaimed.

"Actually, I have to agree with you." Wrath muttered.

"I know, the current Pride is definately disgracing himself..." Lust sighed.

"Hey, you're hurting my... Pride!" The homunculus growled, clearly annoyed at the joke he was forced to make.

"Hey, scary woman!" Envy yelled. He was ignored. "Scary woman," he tried again, "I'm talking to you!"

"I don't care!" She yelled, and everyone in the room shuddered. She really was scary.

"You know, she'd probably make a better villan than the lot of you put together." Havoc remarked.

"Actually, I can see where you're coming from." Hughes agreed.

"There's nothing else for it... Roy, the eyebrows!" Envy ordered.

Roy was trembling as he was about to click his fingers. Of course, this is what any insanely brave person would do in this situation. Any normal person would've fainted in fright by now. For Olivier Mira Armstrong was _glaring_ at him.

In fact, Roy was doing rather well. That was until Olivier froze, and with a smooth single motion, flicked all of Pride's blood off her sword and took a step towards him.

"What do you think you're doing?" She asked, and her voice was like hell had frozen over, then turned to stone.

"Burning your eyebrows." Roy, to his credit, managed to sound normal.

"Oh really?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

* * *

"Yes." He said, looking her straight in the eyes. If everyone in the room was being perfectly honest, they would admire his nerve, but they weren't so they were planning his funeral behind his back.

"So, what flowers do you think he would like?" Envy asked in a whisper.

"Thistles. They match his personality." Ed snorted.

"I'll lay photos by his grave every day so he has something to comfort him in the afterlife." Hughes sniffed.

"As a homunculus, I offically respect his sacrifice." Pride said sadly.

"We disowned you, remember?" Lust hissed.

"One, I'm older than you, so you can't tell me what to do, and two, you can't take away my spiecies by words. Only dinosaurs are that dumb." Pride hissed.

"Why all the dinosaur puns?" Havoc asked, and for no reason in particular, Lust slapped him in the face.

"Ow, the hell, woman?" Havoc yelped, but he was interrupted by Hughes.

"Never, never, ever argue with a woman." He warned wisely.

"So true." Wrath sighed. Mrs Bradley could be terrifying when she wanted to be.

"If our teacher is anything to go by, then I agree." Al shuddered.

"Okay, okay I get it." Havoc muttered.

"I mean, look where arguing got Roy." Fu pointed, making everyone turn to stare.

Olivier was advancing slowly, and if looks could kill, it would be a mercy. Roy made an odd whimpering noise, and suddenly, the room was filled with a bright light.


	11. Chapter 11

When the light eventually subsided, the homunculi stared at what had once been the children... Except they were all now back to normal.

"Awww." Envy whined. "Does this mean that they won't be our evil minions anymore?"

"Brother!" Al cried, watching keenly as his brother stirred.

"Ow... What happened?" Ed groaned as he sat up, looking around slowly.

"You're back to normal!" Al yelled, hugging his brother.

"Normal? What the hell happened? Why are we in the HQ of the homunnuli?" Ed yelped. "And the homunculi are back to normal?"

"Well," Al said sheepishly, not entirely sure how to break the news gently, "the situations may or may not have ended up reversed... And Envy might have kidnapped you."

Ed froze and stared at his brother. "Please tell me that was a joke."

"Nope!" Envy tried to sound casual, but that was hard to do when he was crying into a white lace handkerchief.

"W-what did you do?" Ed asked, wide eyes.

Envy took one look at the Fullmetal Alchemist and went back to crying.

"Al, tell me what happened?" Ed pleaded, suddenly very scared.

"Evil minions." Al said simply, feeling bad for his brother.

"What do you mean?" Ed asked, suddenly remembering something about a tiny automail arm holding onto Envy's nose. He went pale, and promtly fainted right on top of Al.

* * *

Roy groaned as he woke up. He'd just had the strangest dream about a terrifying monster with blonde hair and red eyes. He looked around, noticing that the homunculi were all crying in a corner. King Bradley was with them, for some reason, but that wasn't the weirdest thing that was happening.

Havoc was storming over, face covered in soot, looking very annoyed. Hughes was barely a step behind him, face clean of soot, but his eyebrows were missing, his uniform was charred and one of his boots was missing.

"Roy friggin' Mustang, you are so dead!" Hughes bellowed, much to Roy's confusion.

"Yeah, now you're back to normal, I can punch you!" Havoc snarled.

"Wait, the hell did I do?" Roy asked, suddenly getting a feeling that his death was going to happen very, _very_ soon. "Wait, last I remembered, I was about to be killed by Fullmetal."

"Wait, so you don't remember?" Hughes paused for a second, which Roy was grateful for, as it gave him a second to scramble away.

"No, what happened?" Roy said, looking to distract both of them and hopefully get some answers.

"So you don't remember turning into a child?"

"Or being kidnapped by Envy?"

"I'm fairly sure that scribble on the wall was you."

"And Riza kept picking on you."

"Don't you remember being Envy's evil minion with Ed?"

"Or burning my eyebrows?"

"And my photos."

"And my eyebrows too!"

"Not to mention my backup photos!"

"Hey, and you called me a dick!"

"Actually, I think you called both of us creepy old men."

Roy went whiter and whiter with every comment. By the end of it all, he was shaking, with a firm feeling that he did _not_ want to remember what had happened.

"Hey, Hughes, I think he's going to faint." Havoc commented.

"Or be sick." The other man shrugged.

"Y-you know... I... I think I might need a d-drink." Roy shuddered, feeling very ill from the mental images he was getting.

"We have pictures!" Havoc smirked, waving some pictures that Hughes had taken. Sure enough, there he was, as a child, smiling, with none other than Envy and an also child Ed.

"Oh... My God." Roy groaned, slapping himself in the face in a desperate attempt to wake himself up.

"Look at the photos." Hughes laughed, but the way he shoved the photos in his face seemed evil.

Roy was thankful that he still had his ignition gloves. At least there wasn't any solid evidence that it actually happened anymore. And if Hughes and Havoc managed to get their noses burned, well, it had nothing to do with him.

* * *

Winry blinked as she woke up. She was fairly sure she had been... with Ed last she checked. The thought of the blonde alchemist made her blush. Looking around, she realised that she was with Riza Hawkeye, and a black haired girl she didn't recognise. Once she sat up, she caught sight of a woman wearing a tight black dress sitting near them.

"Hello, are you okay, Winry?" She asked, making Winry freeze. She was fairly sure she had never seen this woman before. Wait, that tatoo, was she a homunculus?

"Uh... Who are you?" She asked. The woman sighed.

"I'm Lust. I was taking care of you and the other girls when you were all turned into children somehow. It's a pity you don't remember, it was actually quite fun." The newly introduced Lust sighed.

"Oh... Sorry." Winry offered. "Thank you, Lust."

The homunculus smiled. "It was no trouble. Oh, Riza's waking up."

The next ten minutes were spent having an enjoyable conversation with Riza, Lan Fan and Lust. The four women got along really well, and were enjoying talking about romance, clothes, make up and weapons. None of them were very impressed to be interrupted by a charred Havoc, announcing that they were all leaving. Still, Lust took it all rather well, calling after then;

"Remember girls, you can always come to me for relationship advice!"

* * *

"Young Lord!" Fu asked anxiously as Ling slowly woke up.

"Wha-" Ling closed his eyes again. "Five more minutes."

"Young Lord! Are you okay?" Fu asked again. This time, Ling actually woke up, realising that there was someone's voice missing in his wake up call.

"Yeah. Where's Lan Fan?" He asked, staring at their surroundings.

"With Lust. I'll collect her soon." Fu said, though it sounded like he was annoyed about something.

"Er... Who's Lust? Where are we? What happened? I'm hungry." Ling said quickly.

Fu sighed. "Lust is a homunculus, and apparently a part of some evil plot. Her aura doesn't feel normal. We're in the HQ of the homunculi, and several things happened. You and Lan Fan were turned into children, and while I was away, Wrath took you both to his HQ." Fu sighed. "My apologies, Young Lord, but I had to team up with an alchemist, someone from the Amestrian Military and the Princess of the Chang Clan in order to find you."

Ling blinked. "Oh, so someone from the Chang Clan also came here in search of immortality," he groaned, "now it's even more of a race now..."

"Nevermind Young Lord, I'm sure that we will succeed," Fu reassured him, "but it is probably best if we leave this place now."

"Yeah, you're probably right, let's go..." Ling sighed

* * *

Envy watched with Pride as the group left. Ed was being carried by Al, and Riza was carrying Roy, not trusting either Havoc or Hughes not to drop him. Lan Fan was being scolded by Fu, and Winry was hovering anxiously near Ed. Wrath sulked in a corner, not at all happy that he had lost his apprentice and evil minion. (Olivier had taken advantage of the confusion to snatch the still baby Sloth from Pride and march off to Briggs) Envy wiped his eyes with his handkercheif.

"They grow up so fast." He sniffled.

In his lonely, boring plane of existance, Truth yawned. His little prank had worn off, with a lot of mental scarring, trauma and he had succeeded in proving the homunculi could actually look after children without killing them! Overall, it was a huge success! Now, what should he make them deal with next Monday morning?


End file.
